I got married in April 2013, my ex and I split in October 2015 and in December we decided to file for divorce. My ex and I were together since we were 16 years old. 16 years old you guys. We were babies. I wanted to have that “high school sweethearts” fairy tale ending, with us dating throughout high school, getting married and having kids and all our old classmates going “omg! they’re still together!?” at our 10 year high school reunion. Obviously shit happens and things don’t always go as planned. And that’s okay. Because sometimes you gotta go through some pretty shitty times to really appreciate the good times that are coming.
Even though we filed the papers, I am still as of today legally married and yes, I am dating someone new. Sometimes I wonder “Is it too soon?” and then I think back to the past year… all the fights, the arguing, the disrespect, the tears, the yelling, the fake smiles in public, the nights I slept alone, the meltdowns at work, the name calling, just all the pain and misery… it had been going on for over a year and even here on this blog I never mentioned it. I painted a picture that everything was okay. And sometimes it was, we would go a few hours without yelling but we always argued every day. Just because you go out, take a picture of the two of you smiling doesn’t mean you’re actually having fun. This is why social media can be so rotten to us, we only ever see the happy moments and the highs. We think someone has such a great life but we never really know what’s going on behind the Instagram photos.
From the beginning of October until the beginning of December I was solo. I did things on my own, went to Disney by myself, started drinking because I was stressed (I had never drank alcohol before) and was just trying to find myself. And I did! I realized that I am a very, very emotional person. I FEEL so intensely, whether it’s love, hate, jealousy, fear, passion, excitement…and also I NEED communication in a relationship. I learned that I love being alone. But I hate feeling lonely. That was so important for me to realize. And it’s crazy that I never really thought about it before, but it’s so true. I do not mind spending a Friday night alone in my room, watching TV or reading a book. What bugs me is when I feel like no one cares about me, or the thought of no one in this entire world thinking “I wonder what Jessica is up to.”
There were times where I would go the entire day without a text from anyone. And it sucked. It made me feel really, really crappy. It made me feel alone. And that is the worst feeling.
So you know what I did? I decided I wanted to meet someone new. I decided I wanted to meet someone who I could go out with and have fun with, make memories with, share my happiness with, someone who wants to be with me and talk with me, and ask me about my day… I wanted that. Is that so bad to want? I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to share your life memories and happiness with another human being. So instead of staying home and feeling lonely (and instead of going out and getting drunk) I decided to join an online dating website – cause why not? Legit, no lie, I met him the same night. How crazy is that?
I’ll write more about him another day since this post is so damn long already, but I just wanted to talk about where I am right now. I’m still legally married and I am dating a new guy. And yes he knows that I am still married. He knows I got married young (I was 20) and that some things just don’t work out. He’s really wonderful. I can’t wait to share more about him later on. He makes me so happy, and when I am stressed he eases my mind, and he makes me laugh so much. I find myself smiling at such random times now, because he’ll cross my mind.
Is it too soon? Maybe to the outside world who thought my marriage was fine it’s too soon. But to me — the one who was actually in the marriage and that went through all this shit — it’s not too soon. In my mind, it’s not even about a length of time between one relationship to the next. It’s about what feels right. And this feels right. I am happy. That is all that matters to me, because that is my goal for 2016. I don’t think I’ve shared it on this blog but I decided that my goal is to be happy. To be so damn happy every day of my life, not just in 2016. And I finally am… so why not go with the flow? We’re always told as little kids to follow our hearts and our dreams, and that’s what I’m doing. I can’t wait to share all these crazy, happy adventures with you all!